


whatever makes you feel the sun (chase that)

by lallemanting



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M rating is for the second part, M/M, Strangers to Lovers, and eliott being a sweetheart, full of cliches but i dont really care, mostly just lucas in his own head, they meet on vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2020-10-29 21:30:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20803295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lallemanting/pseuds/lallemanting
Summary: A boy sits at the edge of the bar, holding a beer and sipping it lazily. Steely gray eyes bore into Lucas’ own and, god, Lucas nearly forgets how to breathe because the boy is beautiful. All sharp cheekbones, and wild hair and a subtle smirk at his lips that Lucas desperately wants to kiss off. The feeling hits him with a force that makes it hard to ignore and this is decidedly not what Lucas needs on this trip.Or five times Lucas runs away from Eliott and one time he runs to him.(and an epilogue of sorts)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title is from a poem by gemma troy

**1.**

The sun beats down on Lucas’ face and chest, suffocating him in the rolling heat. He shifts and covers his face with his arm, trying unsuccessfully to stave off the sunburn that’s beginning to set into his skin. The heat sticks to him and sweat has begun to collect under his back, settling into the towel, into his swimsuit, into every available space. 

He’s taken to running into the sea every half hour, trying to find a break in the heat. And while the water provides temporary relief, the salt clings to him, adding another layer of residue to his skin, mixing with the sunscreen and sweat. He can’t help feeling a little disgusting, a little smothered.

Lucas groans and sits up, blinking rapidly as he opens his eyes. He had closed them in the sun, hiding behind his glowing pink lids. But now that he’s looking around again, everything is much too bright. The breeze coming off the ocean is a brief relief against his back and he takes a deep breath.

“You good, Lucas?” Yann asks, looking up from his phone as he reclines on the towel next to him.

“It’s just too hot,” Lucas whines, letting out an exasperated sigh and flopping back down onto his towel. “And I’m bored.”

Yann just rolls his eyes, but it’s friendly, playful, and goes back to his phone. “Well then, go find something to do.”

“You’re no fun.” Lucas sits up again, looking around to find his phone and his sunglasses.

“I don’t recall entertaining you being part of the job description,” Yann says, shaking his head, laughing. “I’m perfectly fine right here.”

Lucas lets out another dramatic sigh and makes a show of putting on his sunglasses. “Fine, but I can’t sit here anymore. I’m going to go find our idiot friends.”

Yann still doesn’t look up from his phone but grunts in acknowledgment. Arthur and Basile had left thirty minutes ago to get them more drinks and had yet to return. Lucas knows that in all likelihood they were delayed because Basile had found the love of his life _ once again _ and was making a poor unsuspecting girl put up with his nonsense. 

That was all Bas had talked about when they were planning this trip – making a girl fall in love with him while away at an exotic place. Not that they could actually afford anything particularly exotic, but the pebble beach along the northern coast had so far turned out to be exactly what they needed – sun, alcohol, and a cheap place to stay. It was their graduation trip – having finally finished high school – for the summer when they were all living in the strange limbo between the end of that era and the start of the next. 

Two weeks with his best friends before they all started their new lives. Lucas, Arthur and Yann were going to different universities in in the fall and Basile was taking the year off to focus on finding something he actually enjoyed. It was supposed to be just them, free from the distractions and drama of their lives back in Paris. But Lucas should have remembered he was never good at avoiding distractions.

There was also the fact that he was keeping a part of himself hidden. And every time Bas would start again on how this trip was his chance to find a girl, for them all to find a girl, something in Lucas’ stomach clenched uncomfortably. It wasn’t that Lucas hadn’t thought about telling them that it would never work, that he’d never be able to find a girl that worked for him, but every time he started, there was a voice in his head that made him stop.

It was that voice too, that had made it take so long for him to even acknowledge that he wasn’t interested in girls that way, that he could never be. It had finally hit him in high school, when he’d messed with Yann and Emma’s relationship that the way he felt for Yann was definitely more than just friendly. And even though he had gotten over that crush, the feelings for boys had remained, and it was something he knew wasn’t going away.

But every time he thought he was ready, thought he’d be able to say it out loud, the voice came back and made him question himself. It wasn’t that his friends had ever outwardly said anything that made him think they wouldn’t accept him, but there were comments, here and there, that were just enough to instill a _ what if _. And doubt can be powerful fuel for fear. So Lucas stayed quiet, too afraid to lose what he’d managed to find.

The sun is hotter still as Lucas makes his way down the boardwalk, the rays hitting his shoulders with a ferociousness that Lucas is sure will leave a mark. He takes a deep breath in, trying to gasp for some release from the weight in his chest and makes his way over the bar.

His eyes trail over the people standing there drinking and laughing, looking for a mass of curly hair or a blonde wearing glasses. When his eyes finally meet another’s though, it isn’t either of his friends.

A boy sits at the edge of the bar, holding a beer and sipping it lazily. Steely gray eyes bore into Lucas’ own and, god, Lucas nearly forgets how to breathe because the boy is _ beautiful_. All sharp cheekbones, and wild hair and a subtle smirk at his lips that Lucas desperately wants to kiss off. The feeling hits him with a force that makes it hard to ignore and this is decidedly _not _what Lucas needs on this trip.

So Lucas averts his eyes quickly, looking down at the ground as his cheeks fill with color. The sparkling fragments of broken shell and stone glisten in the light. He pretends to look around, searching, he tells himself, for Bas or Arthur. If he finds them now, he can grab them and leave, be done with whatever sensation is currently gripping his chest. But his eyes make his way back to the beautiful stranger and Lucas is shocked to find he’s still looking at him. 

A smile dances across the boy’s mouth as Lucas meets his gaze once again, his messy brown hair falling gently across his forehead as he reaches up and pushes it away. Lucas feels his breath catch in his throat and his heart involuntarily starts to beat faster. He wants to look away, wants to run, but his muscles seize up, locking him where he stands. 

He clenches his fists, suddenly acutely aware of his bare chest and salt-styled hair and feels himself blush again. He thought the sun was suffocating, but the fire beginning to burn in his chest could very well consume him. All just by looking at this boy, by being _ looked at _ by this boy.

Lucas’ instinct to run is finally catching up to him when he notices the stranger make a motion to stand. And Lucas begins to panic, because he thinks that if the stranger were to make his way over to him, he’s not sure that anything could stop him from grabbing the boy’s face and bringing their lips together– 

“Lucas!”

He is shaken from his daydreams by a familiar voice behind him. He turns and Bas and Arthur are standing there, their grinning faces showing touches of sun and their arms full of beer. 

“I was looking for you guys,” Lucas says hoarsely, hoping neither of them notice the dazed expression that had graced his face only seconds before. “I see you found drinks.”

“Yeah, we ended up just grabbing them from the grocery store,” Arthur says. “Cheaper.”

And Lucas nods, his mind not quite back with him yet. But he can pretend it is. He’s used to pretending.

Lucas walks over to them then to help them carry the alcohol. The boys turn to make their way back to Yann and their towels and Lucas lets them walk ahead of him for a few steps before he allows himself a glance back toward the bar. The stranger is gone and Lucas feels a pang in his chest that he tries to ignore.

**2.**

Lucas has resigned himself to the corner of the club, deciding that for the night, he will let his friends be carefree. The music is loud and it’s hot and suffocating in here too and Lucas thinks he would do a lot of things for a cold glass of water or a rainstorm right now. 

But it’s not just his surroundings that are overwhelming. The afternoon had set something off in Lucas’ thoughts and he can’t seem to get the stranger out of his head. The weight in his chest has not gone away. In fact, every time he thinks of the stranger’s face, his heart throbs viciously as if to say _ you can’t forget about me, I’m all that you have. _

Lucas leans back against the wall, and takes another slow sip from his drink. He’s not really in the drinking mood tonight, but it gives him something to do. He looks out in the club searching out his friends, making eye contact with Yann across the floor. And then Yann is staggering over to Lucas and collapses against the wall next to him.

“There are pretty girls over there asking about our cute friend,” Yann says, trying desperately to wag his eyebrows at Lucas, but his drunken muscles won’t comply. “I told them I’d see what I could do.”

Lucas laughs slightly, and he shakes his head at Yann. “I am all set for tonight, but you enjoy yourself,” he says.

“C’mon Lucas, when was the last time you got a little attention.”

“I don’t need attention.”

“Since Chloe? You need to move on. You guys broke up months ago.”

It was true. Chloe had broken up with Lucas in March, but he had been relieved. She was a beautiful, smart, funny girl and he had thought that maybe if he tried, it could work with her. 

But she had seen through him pretty quickly, how he avoided her gentle touches and kept making up excuses every time they were alone for too long. And although she’d been a bit angry at him for wasting her time, she had seen his pain and let the whole thing fizzle quietly. He had never told Yann, or anyone, the real reason for their breakup. And to her credit, she had only ever said _ we weren’t what the other was looking for _ when asked what had happened.

_ You get to live your life how you want, Lucas_, she had said standing in his doorway for the last time. _ I hope you find a reason to live it honestly. _It stung but he let her words roll off of him as most things did, his numbness his best weapon, and shut the door behind her.

Now, under the club lights, the last thing Lucas could possibly want right now is to try and play that game again. Lucas turns back to Yann.

“I’m really fine,” Lucas says. “Not really interested in that right now.” _ Or ever_, he thinks.

Yann looks like he’s about to protest but then he sees Lucas’ face and he knows Lucas well enough that in moments like this he knows not to press.

“Okay,” Yann says, reaching out and gently touching Lucas’ arm. “But please find me if you need me.” And there’s concern there, hidden behind those words, even in Yann’s drunken state.

Lucas smiles and nods, watching as his friend is swallowed again by the crowd. He stands up then, bringing his weight off the wall and scans the crowd, his beer still mostly full.

Lucas makes his way along the outer wall of the club, silently watching the people in the crowd. The music is loud and he lets it invade his brain and drown out the thoughts that are clamoring to be heard. He is distracted by a glass shattering behind him and suddenly he collides with someone. A strong arm grabs his shoulder and steadies him and he turns to meet their gaze hoping for a quick “sorry” and an awkward rush past.

But no such luck.

Deep gray eyes stare down at him and adrenaline shoots through his body. The stranger from the beach smiles wide as he recognizes Lucas, his eyes twinkling, even in the dark club. Up close, Lucas thinks the stranger must be an angel. He’s tall and stands over Lucas, tilting his head down to meet his eyes. He’s wearing black jeans and a tight black t-shirt and Lucas can see the muscles in his arms as he holds Lucas’ shoulders. Lucas tries to swallow, but chokes instead.

“You,” the stranger says. 

He lets goes of Lucas’ shoulders and Lucas can feel the heat like a brand from where the stranger’s fingertips have touched his skin. Lucas struggles to make a sound come out, any sound at all.

“Do we know each other?” Lucas asks, somehow sounding much calmer than he actually is. He smirks.

“Not as well as I’d like to.” The stranger smiles. It sends shivers through Lucas’ body.

The stranger looks down at Lucas, searching his face, staring for far too long at Lucas’ lips. He licks his bottom lip before returning his gaze to Lucas’ eyes.

“I’m Eliott.”

_ A fitting name for an angel_, Lucas thinks. “I’m Lucas,” he says.

“Lucas,” Eliott repeats, almost like he’s trying out Lucas’ name in his mouth. Lucas likes the way it sounds. “You seem bored Lucas.”

“To death,” Lucas replies.

Eliott grabs his hand and Lucas lets him pull him out of the club.

“Where are you taking me?” Lucas shouts, laughing as Eliott pulls him through the darkened streets. It’s not so late that there are no people around but it’s much quieter outside of the club.

Lucas is painfully aware of how his fingers are intertwined with Eliott’s as they make their way toward the beach. Every inch of skin that touches Eliott is on fire and Lucas can’t help the smile that has been on his face since Eliott reached for him. The air around them clings heavy and quiet, a world on the precipice of riotous destruction.

“Somewhere quiet,” Eliott says, looking back at Lucas with a mischievous grin. They make their way further and further from the crowds until suddenly they break out of the streets onto the boardwalk in front of the beach. Eliott points at the lifeguard tower. “There.”

Eliott is graceful as he climbs up the ladder at the base of the tower. Lucas…is not. He heaves himself up, trying to pretend like every bit of movement isn’t as much effort as it is. Eliott notices and smiles, reaching down from the platform to grab Lucas’ hand and help him the rest of the way up. Lucas manages to wiggle his way completely onto the platform and when he looks at Eliott, he notices that Eliott is trying to hold in his laughter.

“Fuck you,” Lucas says, shoving Eliott’s shoulder. “If I had known you were going to make me scale things I wouldn’t have come.”

Eliott laughs, then. Bright, melodic, _ beautiful_. Just like everything else about him. “You got up here didn’t you? Now look.”

Lucas settles next to Eliott on the platform, their legs dangling off the wooden surface. Lucas looks out across the sea, dark and mysterious, trying to discern where the sea ends and the sky begins. The moon blinks lazily through the clouds, casting everything in a silver glow. The stars shine down brightly, more easily discernible away from the light on the street. A patchwork quilt of diamonds, the sky sparkles like it can’t in Paris.

They sit for a while in silence, just looking up at the sky, across the water. The waves lap lazily against the shore, providing a soothing rhythm that counteracts the pounding in Lucas’ heart.

“See how calm it is?” Eliott says softly after a moment, breaking the silence.

Lucas nods. “Yeah.” He feels surprisingly at ease. He barely knows the boy next to him but something makes him feel safe and calm. That is until Lucas notices that Eliott has somehow moved closer, their thighs now gently pressed together, their shoulders brushing as one of them takes a breath, Eliott’s hand dangerously close to Lucas’ at the edge of the platform.

Lucas’ heart skips and he tenses, scared of the possibilities, scared of regret.

“I never asked you what you’re doing here,” Eliott says to him, tilting his head as Lucas meets his eyes. “At the beach.”

“I’m here with my friends,” Lucas says and he turns away from Eliott, but involuntarily shifts his body a fraction of an inch closer. “We just graduated.”

“Graduated from..?” Eliott asks.

“High school. I’m starting university in the fall.”

“Congratulations.”

“What about you? What are you doing here?” Lucas asks, turning to face Eliott again.

“Taking some time off,” Eliott says. “I tried university for a year. It didn’t stick.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just wasn’t for me.”

“Are you here alone then?”

“Yeah. I’ve just been going where I feel like. Whenever I get bored, I move on.”

Lucas can’t imagine something like that. Having no idea where you’re going next, what your plan is. It would drive him crazy. But he likes that Eliott is someone that can take that on, admires it in a way. And he admires the way the moonlight drifts across Eliott’s features, lighting up his eyes. Eliott stops talking as Lucas’ eyes roam across his face drinking in the sight of his tousled hair, his rosy lips... 

When he finally makes his way back to Eliott’s eyes he realizes he hasn’t been subtle at all. A hint of a smile plays at Eliott’s mouth and then he’s leaning in, tentatively and slowly. Lucas drifts forward carried by his own longing until suddenly he freezes, realizing what he’s about to do, where he is, who he’s with. He jerks back, whipping his hand from the platform and bringing his arms across his chest staring firmly out across the sea.

And Lucas wants to run again. He wants to take off down the beach and let the silver phantoms that appear along the way swallow him up, take him away to where everything is certain and steady. Where he doesn’t have to worry about what comes next. He looks over at Eliott.

“I have to go,” he says and Eliott makes no move to follow him as he climbs back down to the beach and lets himself fade into the darkness.

**3.**

It’s been two days since Lucas had let Eliott pull him out of the club and despite the fact that he desperately looks for him wherever they go, Eliott has successfully disappeared. Lucas thinks back to what Eliott told him that night – that when he gets bored, he moves on. Lucas wonders if Eliott has left. He wonders if he chased him away. And his chest aches.

Lucas is sitting by the beach, headphones in, staring at the sky. Pink swirls to meet blue, clouds interspersed in a delicate symphony. The other boys had gone in a while ago to nap and rest before they went out again that night. But Lucas lingered, enjoying the last rays of sun warming his body and the gentle warm wind gusting over him.

In the distance, dark clouds threaten to move in over the small town where the boys are staying. Already, the air is beginning to shift, bringing a sharp and much needed relief to the thick summer heat. The wind smells of electricity and Lucas smiles – there is something exhilarating about a summer storm. Rage all at once and then dewy relief left in its wake.

He needs the distraction. Every time Lucas closes his eyes all he can see is Eliott’s smile and his face as he leaned in and his face as Lucas jerked away. Lucas can feel the longing for Eliott’s lips deep in his chest, and then the familiar sense of panic comes out as well. He tries, desperately, to think of anything else but his mind, mocking him, chants one word only – _ Eliott, Eliott, Eliott_.

Lucas sits up and pulls his earbuds out of his ears, breaking him out of the music-induced haze. He sighs and stands, pulling his t-shirt back on. He runs his hand through his hair, glancing around at the few people who have yet to return to their rooms for the sleepy hours between a sun-filled day and the promise of dinner. And he feels his heart drop to his stomach. 

Eliott is sitting just down the beach, on a rocky outcropping along its edge. He’s holding a small notebook and scribbling furiously, sketching something.

Lucas doesn’t realize he’s walking (_running _) toward Eliott until he is halfway there and much too close to turn back around. Eliott hasn’t noticed him yet, but Lucas is daring him to look up, if only so he can look into those deep gray eyes again and drown in them.

“Hi,” Lucas says lamely, as he approaches him.

Eliott looks up, sees Lucas and slams his sketchbook shut. Silence hangs in the air, thick and awkward. Lucas can’t meet Eliott’s gaze, choosing instead to look around himself and out at the sea where the dark clouds have made their way closer to the shore.

“It’s supposed to rain I think,” Lucas says finally when it’s clear Eliott isn’t going to speak.

Eliott bites the inside of his cheek and shakes his head slightly, scoffing quietly.

“Yeah,” he says as he stands. “It’s about time.”

Eliott turns to leave and Lucas feels the panic rise up again.

“Wait,” he blurts, the air leaving his lungs too quickly, the sound much louder than he meant. Eliott freezes, his back to Lucas. “I’m sorry about the other night. It wasn’t about you.”

Eliott stays a moment before turning around. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” he says finally, his eyes not meeting Lucas’. “I guess I read the situation wrong.”

The words are out of Lucas’ mouth before he can stop them. “You didn’t.” It’s a knee-jerk reaction to the way he’s drawn to Eliott, the way he wants to be honest around Eliott. And this time Eliott looks up and they lock eyes. A gentle smile plays at the corner of Eliott’s mouth and the only thing Lucas can think is how desperately he wants to kiss him. “Are you hungry?”

They make their way through the streets then, talking and laughing and stopping to grab some food. Lucas texts his friends to let them know that he’s not feeling up for a night of partying and they should go on without him. They ask questions but Lucas doesn’t answer them. Questions always make it harder.

Lucas and Eliott find themselves in the back of a small, quiet bar, a breath of fresh air when compared to the clubs that line the beach, the clubs Lucas knows his friends will be at. They each have a beer and Lucas has lost track of time – was it minutes, hours, days, that they had been sitting there, talking and laughing and learning about each other. Lucas feels like it’s maybe even been years.

“My mom and I have a difficult relationship,” Lucas says and he can’t believe he’s divulging the hardest part of his life to a virtual stranger. “It can be exhausting, but I’m learning to find the positives in it. The past year has been good and I’m grateful to have her.”

Eliott is searching his face, clinging to every word Lucas says and actually listening. Lucas isn’t used to having someone’s undivided attention, to having someone _ actually _listen to what he is saying.

“I’m sorry,” Eliott says quietly, and this isn’t the first time Lucas has heard that.

“I’m not.” And Lucas isn’t trying to seem bold or brave, it’s just the truth. “When she was diagnosed, it was such a relief. We finally had an explanation and a way to help her. It can be tiring, yes, but I can’t change her. I don’t want to change her. She’s a good person and I love her, so if that’s part of her, then it’s part of her. You know?”

Eliott lets out a small laugh, but it sounds a little strained. “You have no idea,” he says.

“What do you mean?” Lucas asks.

Eliott sighs. “I’m bipolar,” he says, and then Lucas is understanding. “This trip is the first time my parents have ever trusted me to take care of myself. And even then it was a fight for them to let me come. But it’s a chance for me to take a little control back, you know?”

And Lucas smiles because somehow he’s getting how a trip devoid of plans and rules could be giving Eliott back some control. It’s the letting go, the trusting, that’s freeing. And Lucas thinks how nice it would be to get a little control back himself, to trust in what the world is offering him. He wants to break his own rules. For Eliott, he would.

“Thank you for telling me,” Lucas says and Eliott’s quiet smile back at him sets off something in his chest.

And then Eliott’s knee brushes against Lucas’ and the feeling is fire spreading from the point of contact through his veins to his heart. Eliott says something else, but it sounds far away. Lucas isn’t focusing, he can’t focus and Eliott is leaning close again.

“Lucas?” Eliott whispers.

Lucas stands suddenly, wordlessly, and grabs Eliott’s hand, leading him out of the bar and onto the street, darkness surrounding them, a single street light illuminating the cobblestones beneath them.

“What are you doing?” Eliott is laughing and it’s beautiful. The street light shines across Eliott’s face, illuminating his hair, his eyes, and Lucas is in awe. Eliott starts to say something else, but Lucas is looking at him much too intensely and the words die in his throat. And then Lucas is pulling Eliott to him and kissing him – hard – their lips crashing together like the thunder sounding around them in the storm that threatens to break.

Lucas is pulling Eliott to him, the sea breeze mixing with Eliott’s warmth. Eliott hesitates at first, for a moment, but then his hands are on Lucas, grabbing his waist and pulling Lucas’s body to his, wrapping his arms around him as if to make sure he can’t disappear. Then the rain begins to pour down and thunder shakes again. But neither of them notice. Neither of them care.

Lucas runs his hands through Eliott’s wet hair, knotting his fingers in the thick strands. Eliott deepens the kiss, swiping his tongue across Lucas’ lips and melding their mouths together. He walks Lucas backward until Lucas feels the wall of the building against his back, Eliott’s hands leaving blazing trails along his body.

“Fuck,” Eliott breathes against his mouth. “Fuck, Lucas.” And Lucas can barely stand it, needs him closer, closer.

Eliott brings his hands up to Lucas’s face, licking into his mouth as their hands pull at each other, tangling them up together against a wall in a dimly lit street. Lucas runs his hands under Eliott’s shirt along his back, the feeling of bare skin against his fingers sending a shiver through him. He feels Eliott’s lips leave his own, nipping down his jaw and finding their way to his neck.

Eliott,” Lucas pants and sways against Eliott’s body. He has a stifle a moan and then desperate laughter as the rain pours down. Because how is he here? How is he here with a beautiful boy who wants to kiss him? Who _ is _ kissing him.

Eliott is still sucking at Lucas’ neck but then Lucas has to bring their lips together, desperate to taste Eliott’s mouth again. Sweet as honey and Lucas is already addicted.

When they finally break apart, their lips are swollen and raw and neither of them can stop smiling. They’re soaked completely and the rain makes no sign it’s planning on letting up. All around them thunder shakes the ground and lighting paints the sky. Their breaths come heavy and fast, making the air sweet and thick.

“Come back to my room,” Eliott whispers, his face inches from Lucas’. “But only if you want.” He’s searching Lucas’ face with eyes that are both sweet and a little desperate and Lucas knows he’ll never be able to say anything but yes.

“Okay,” Lucas says and kisses Eliott again, just because he can.

Eliott grabs Lucas’ hand and practically drags him through the streets back to his hotel room. Once the door closes, their wet clothing comes off quickly, Lucas craving Eliott’s skin against his own. They fall onto the bed, laughing and then Eliott is looking at him like that and their lips crash together again.

They kiss and kiss and Lucas never wants to stop. Eliott begins to make his way down Lucas’ neck, leaving a mark just above Lucas’ collarbone, on his stomach, on his hip. And when Eliott takes Lucas into his hand, Lucas swears the ceiling opens up and the stars shine down into the hotel room with them, showering the room in swirling, silver light.

As the sky begins to fade into shades of indigo, they fall asleep clutching each other, the cool after-storm air rippling over them.

In the morning, Lucas wakes knowing that he was playing with fire staying out all night. His friends would have questions, and Lucas would have to give them some kind of answer. He checks his phone. Six missed calls and fourteen messages from Yann. Most are just his name or _ where the fuck are you? _ But one catches his eye.

_ Yann (02:32): _

_ dude, are you with someone right now? you’re totally with someone right now. don’t worry, we’ll get her name out of you tomorrow. _

The familiar sense of panic and dread rises in him. And suddenly Eliott’s arm wrapped around his stomach weighs 50 pounds and it’s too much, it’s far too much.

He gently extracts himself from Eliott’s arms, slipping on his still-damp clothes. He looks down at Eliott’s sleeping form, at his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm and the way the early morning light dances across his face. Lucas feels a familiar pang deep in his chest. _ Will he ever have this again? _

He lingers a moment longer, before slipping quietly out of the room. The only thing he leaves behind is his scent intertwined with Eliott’s in the sheets.

**4.**

When Lucas finally returns to his friends, they won’t stop pestering him about the mysterious girl he was with. They ask for clues, but Lucas returns silence, not trusting himself to only reveal just enough and not too much. So he settles for nothing.

But even though his voice doesn’t betray him, his mind does. He tries, repeatedly, to get Eliott out of his head, so he can stop thinking about him, stop fixating, go back to his normal life where maybe he was pretending, but at least he wasn’t alone. 

But the Eliott in his mind lingers. His memories taunt him with Eliott’s flashing gray eyes and gentle smile, the electric dance of his fingertips along Lucas’ arms and waist, the hot trails of his mouth and tongue down Lucas’ jaw and neck and stomach. It doesn’t help that Eliott left physical traces too – a bruise on Lucas’ collarbone and chapped skin on Lucas’ chin where Eliott’s stubble had rubbed him. Every time the wind blows and Lucas feels the pricks along his body he’s back in Eliott dark room and their bodies are twisting together.

And every time Lucas wakes from these daydreams, his heart clenches and sinks to his stomach and he’s reminded that it is all it will ever be – a memory.

On the second morning after Lucas left Eliott asleep, he begins to think again that Eliott has left, taken a train and gone. It’s a small town and Lucas is sure that they would have run into each other by now, but he hasn’t seen a trace of Eliott. Lucas tries to convince himself that the feeling he has thinking about Eliott far away from him is relief.

But it isn’t.

The boys are sitting at a café for lunch, sipping on beers and picking at the remains of their meals. The sun is out again, and the heat is back after the short reprieve following the rain. After the first day, when they realized that Lucas wasn’t going to spill, the boys have let up on figuring out who he was with. That feeling at least, Lucas thinks, _ is _ relief.

Instead they’re chatting about sports teams and Basile is going on about finding a girl again when Lucas spots him.

Eliott is walking slowly down the street, his hands shoved into his pockets, his shoulders hunched slightly. He’s looking down at the ground and Lucas feels his heart speed up and he’s desperate to escape to somewhere – _ anywhere – _that isn’t so exposed.

“I’m going to run to the bathroom,” Lucas says abruptly, standing up in a rush. As it turns out, that’s exactly what you should _ not _do when you’re trying to make yourself inconspicuous. In his haste, Lucas knocks over his glass sending it crashing to the ground and the ensuing sound makes Eliott look up. Their eyes meet.

_ Shit_, Lucas thinks and then he runs anyway. He darts into the restaurant, hoping simultaneously that Eliott would just walk past and forget about him and also that Eliott would follow him inside.

He walks to the back of the restaurant to the bathroom, pushing open the door to the men’s and letting it swing forcefully shut behind him.

The room is small and shitty, with two stalls and a row of urinals along the other side. A small window above the stalls lets in a small ray of light, but otherwise the room is lit by the fluorescent lamps hanging above the sink.

The door has barely shut when it swings open again and then there is Eliott. There’s an intensity to him that Lucas hasn’t seen before as Eliott comes into the room, rushed and eyes blazing.

“What the _ fuck_, Lucas,” Eliott says, his voice sharp but pained and Lucas lets his name reverberate off the walls and crash to the ground in the silence.

“Are we just pretending we don’t know each other?” Eliott asks, his voice strained, his eyes searching Lucas’ face.

Lucas tries to say something. He really does, but he’s staring at Eliott’s face as it starts to crumple and Lucas knows that it’s because of _ him, _ because of what he did and the way he’s acting and he can’t get the words to come. They stand there for what feels like years, the sound of water dripping into the basin ringing in Lucas’ ears.

“First you leave without so much as a note and now you actually run when you see me,” Eliott says, his voice quiet. “What’s going on? Did I do something?”

Lucas bites his lip and takes a deep breath.

“They don’t know,” Lucas says. “My friends don’t know.”

Eliott knits his brows together at first, looking at Lucas like he doesn’t quite understand what he means and then realization dawns on his face and Eliott lets out a breath.

“Oh,” Eliott says. 

“I just haven’t been able to figure out how to tell them.”

“I understand Lucas,” Eliott says and he looks like he means it. “Honestly, I was worried it was about me. About the stuff I told you about me.”

Lucas feels his face drop, because that’s not why he left, he’d never leave because of that. “God no, Eliott,” he says. “It’s definitely not about you. It’s my own messed up shit.” He runs his hand through his hair, unable to meet Eliott’s eyes.

“I’m sorry about leaving and for running away when I saw you,” Lucas says. “It just seemed easier.”

Eliott smiles at him, gentle, easy, kind. He nods his head like he understands, like he sees Lucas, and Lucas isn’t sure he’ll ever get used to that. “It’s okay, Lucas, it really is. I get it, it was a one-time thing. We don’t owe each other anything.”

Lucas grimaces, because he knows, he knows that this is temporary, that neither of them is planning to stay forever. But there’s a part of him that wants to know what that would feel like, wants to know what it would be like to have as much of Eliott as he can. What it would be like to let Eliott have that much of him too.

“What if it’s not?” Lucas says, taking a step closer to Eliott.

“What?”

“What if it’s not a one time thing?” Lucas’ heart is beating rapidly against his chest and he looks at Eliott, with what he hopes is a subtle smirk on his face, but is probably closer to a nervous smile.

Lucas can’t help the way his stomach flutters when Eliott grins back at him.

“Oh?” Eliott laughs, teasing him as he takes a step towards Lucas. “What is it you’re proposing?”

“I think you know.” Lucas grins back.

And Lucas can’t quite believe that he’s having this conversation. It’s all a bit surreal, coupled with the fact that he’s standing in a random restaurant bathroom with a boy he barely knows in a small town he and his friends had picked on a whim. But it feels right, and Lucas is tired of missing chances.

“Okay, so you don’t want your friends to know,” Eliott says slyly, taking another step toward him.

“Preferably not,” Lucas says.

“Hmm. And when do you leave?” Eliott asks.

“In a week.”

“A whole week. Seven days.”

“That’s generally how long a week is, Eliott.”

“Okay, so you’re only here for another seven days and you don’t want your friends to know that you’re kissing me.” Eliott smirks and then he’s right there, standing so close to Lucas, he can feel the warmth from his body radiating.

“That’s about it, yeah.”

“I see, I see,” Eliott murmurs, his face inches from Lucas’. “And if I kissed you right now, how would you feel about that?”

“Why don’t you find out,” Lucas says and Eliott’s lips close the distance between them.

**5.**

_ Eliott, Eliott, Eliott. _

The name has been playing in Lucas’ mind for six days straight, over and over and over again.

_ Eliott, Eliott, Eliott _.

It’s been six whole days of Eliott, and Lucas can feel him in every pore, every bone, every inch of skin that covers his body. They’d made a game of it, for the past week, seeing how many times Lucas could sneak away from his friends for stolen kisses behind bars, in alleyways, in changing rooms on the beach, and in one desperate moment, a dirty bathroom stall. Lucas had vowed to never get so desperate again.

Knowing that this whole trip was supposed to be the last big chance for Lucas to hang out with the boys, he does try to spend as much time with them as he can, but they nap a lot and in those perfect warm afternoon hours, there are things Lucas would rather be doing.

He darts between his friends and Eliott, disappearing so much that the boys have stopped texting him even when they finally notice that he’s gone. They’ve realized that Lucas isn’t going to tell them anything so instead they just wave him off with a _ “be safe” _ if they catch him trying to sneak away again.

At night Lucas goes out with the boys to the club or the bar, always texting Eliott where they’re going so Eliott can make an appearance just when the boys are drunk enough to not notice and Lucas can slip off into the night, his hand in Eliott’s, laughing down the streets of the small beach town and letting the moonlight wash over them. They pretend for as long as they can that there is no end. But, despite all their best efforts and whispered pleas from beneath Eliott’s sheets, morning continues to come and the days continue to pass.

It’s Lucas’s last night, and they’re laying in Eliott’s bed, Lucas’ head resting on Eliott’s chest, his hand tracing patterns on Eliott’s stomach. Eliott’s fingers run a gentle line up and down Lucas’ arm. They lay in silence like that for a while, Lucas trying to take a mental note of how everything in that moment looks, and feels, and smells, and tastes, and sounds, because he wants to remember this forever. _ Perfect_.

“I don’t want to leave,” Lucas says, breaking the silence. Eliott hums agreement into his hair.

“Then don’t,” Eliott says.

Lucas laughs, shoving Eliott slightly. “I have to,” he says. “We can’t stay here forever.”

“Okay, so we can’t stay here,” Eliott says slowly. “But what about the rest of the world?”

Lucas scoffs. “What are you talking about?” he asks, laughing and twisting his head to look at Eliott. But Eliott isn’t laughing.

“I’m serious,” Eliott says, bringing a hand up to Lucas’ face, gently brushing away a piece of hair that had fallen onto his forehead and then gently stroking his cheek.

“I’m getting on a train to Amsterdam tomorrow morning. Come with me.” Eliott speaks so quietly that Lucas thinks he might have imagined it but those gray eyes are traveling along his face, drinking in Lucas’ features and then Eliott is looking at him, looking into him really, and Lucas desperately wants to say yes.

The yes is forming on his tongue, and pushing its way to the surface, but then Lucas remembers his friends and his mother and he thinks about the faces he’s imagined for them if they find out the truth and he knows he can’t take it.

“I can’t,” Lucas says, his heart breaking. “I want to, but I can’t.”

There is a sadness in Eliott’s face as Lucas says it, but Eliott smiles sweetly, like he had prepared himself for that answer, and brings his face down to gently kiss Lucas.

“I know,” he says. “But I wanted to ask. Just in case.”

And there’s something there, in Eliott’s face, that Lucas feels in his heart and he can’t help reaching out and pulling Eliott closer to him, kissing him gently at first but then giving in to the way his body aches for him.

They’re slower this time, less frantic, but no less wanting. Lucas can feel the way Eliott is looking at him, the way his fingers caress his cheek, his neck, down his stomach. Eliott follows the lines of his fingers with his mouth, gently biting and sucking and soothing the stings with a wipe of his tongue, charting a path down Lucas’ body. And as Lucas arches into the feel of Eliott against him, he finds himself hoping the marks never fade.

Later, as Lucas pulls his clothes back on, wraps his arms around Eliott’s waist and tucks his face into Eliott’s neck one last time, he mourns for the kind of adventure, the kind of life, he could have if he wasn’t so scared. But this Lucas is scared that in trying to get closer to this imagined life, he could lose what’s important to him in the one he has.

He pulls Eliott’s face to his to give him a lingering kiss, barely able to bring himself to break it.

“Know that in another universe, where I’m a little braver, I would have said yes,” Lucas breathes against Eliott’s mouth.

Eliott grabs his face and kisses him, deeply, and then opens the door to his hotel room. As Lucas turns to leave Eliott presses an envelope into Lucas’ palm.

“In case you realize you’re brave in this universe,” Eliott says.

Lucas looks up at Eliott quizzically, opening the envelope and taking out the papers inside. There’s a ticket to Amsterdam on the same train that tomorrow would take Eliott far away from him. And then there’s a page from Eliott’s sketchbook and Lucas finds himself staring down at a rough sketch of his profile. His heart clenches, because it’s strange and beautiful, seeing himself through Eliott’s eyes. He thinks back to the day he found Eliott drawing on the beach and smiles fondly.

“Thank you,” he whispers and then he looks up and parts his lips slightly, begging Eliott to kiss him one more time. Eliott lets out a small laugh, and obliges, pulling him in for one more moment that Lucas focuses on savoring. The kiss is searing and soft and Lucas nearly melts into it, nearly throws his arms around Eliott’s neck and gives into the way his heart is thudding against his chest. Nearly. But not quite. When Lucas pulls back, Eliott is looking at him, his eyes like the swirling sea in a storm.

“Now go,” Eliott says, giving Lucas a little shove out the door. “Or I’ll never let you leave.”

**+1**

Lucas awakes with a start from a dream and can still feel the ghost of Eliott’s arms around him and Eliott’s lips pressed to his. He glances at his phone, noticing the time, and suddenly everything that had been holding him back the night before falls away and only one thing matters. Eliott’s train leaves in an hour.

Lucas leaps from his bed and starts shoving his belongings into his backpack. The other boys begin to stir.

“Yo, Lucas,” Yann says sleepily. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Lucas panics. Basile and Arthur also wake up and turn looking at Lucas through confused sleepy eyes.

“I met someone,” Lucas says abruptly as he pulls on his pants. “They’re traveling for the summer and they asked me to go with them. And I said no but I should have said yes and I need to go. I need to get on the train. And it’s probably not what you expected but…” He’s rambling now and Yann cuts him off.

“Hey, slow down, what are you talking about?” Yann asks, wiping at his eyes.

Lucas checks the time and swears. 9:17. Eliott’s train – his train – leaves in 43 minutes. Lucas zips his backpack and pulls on a t-shirt.

“Lucas, talk to me,” Yann repeats.

And it’s suddenly it’s too much. He can’t lie anymore. Lucas feels like he might burst into tears.

“I think I fell in love,” he blurts out and then his brain catches up with his mouth and his heart feels heavy as if shouting to be heard. But it’s true. It’s Eliott. “I mean I think I fell in love with someone. And they’re leaving and I want to go with them.”

The boys stare at him for what feels like ages. Finally Arthur speaks.

“I told you guys there was a mystery someone,” Arthur shouts, looking rather pleased with himself. “They didn’t believe me, they thought you were just out there hooking up with random people but I saw how your mood changed every time you came back.”

Lucas bristles. He knows he hasn’t been subtle, but it reminds him he also hadn’t been honest, scared of what might happen. And that fear was going to cost him Eliott if he kept letting it get in the way. It was that fear that had made him panic at almost every turn and it was that fear that had prevented him from saying yes to going with Eliott the night before. But now, facing the prospect of Eliott leaving without him, he feels brave. And maybe that’s what Eliott meant when he pressed the ticket into his hand last night.

“Shit Lucas,” Basile says. “I was the one who was supposed to find love on this trip remember?”

“Shut up Bas,” Arthur says.

“What’s her name?” Yann asks, smiling across the room at Lucas. “Are you sure she isn’t a serial killer?”

Lucas takes a deep breath. It’s now or never.

“Eliott,” he says. “His name is Eliott.”

The boys are silent for a moment, a moment only, but the silence is deafening. Lucas’ heart thuds in his ears but then Yann blinks once and opens his mouth again.

“Okay. Are you sure _ he _isn’t a serial killer?”

A smile breaks across Lucas’ face and he realizes he’s been dragging this weight with him for so long he had almost forgotten he was carrying it. The lightness he feels is a new but welcome.

“I really don’t think so,” Lucas says, his smile so wide it almost hurts.

“I’m happy for you dude,” Arthur says. And then, “Thanks for telling us.”

Lucas laughs and his relief feels sweet and bright. He picks up his backpack and swings it onto his shoulder. Yann climbs out of his bed and moves closer to him, bringing him in for a bone crushing hug.

“Go get your man,” he says. “I’ll make something up to tell your mom.”

Lucas smiles. “It’s okay, I’m going to call her,” he says. “She should probably know too.”

“Wait, are you gay?” Basile calls down from his top bunk, behind as usual.

“Yeah,” Lucas replies, shaking his head and laughing. “And I’m also late.”

The boys hug Lucas and make him promise to bring Eliott home to meet them all at the end of their trip and then they rush Lucas out the door because he only has half an hour before the train is supposed to depart.

Lucas rushes outside and grabs the first taxi he can find, asking for the train station as quickly as possible. But it’s a Sunday, and people flood the streets, going to and from the small beach town on their summer holiday. Lucas feels like he’s going to cry as he watches the minutes tick by without getting closer to the station.

He finally arrives with five minutes to go and he just runs. Runs, like he never has before, clutching the ticket Eliott had given him last night, the paper now damp from his hand holding onto it so tightly. He finds the platform number and rushes towards it, hoping and praying that by some miracle he makes it. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about what he would do if he doesn’t. His only thoughts are of Eliott.

As he runs down the stairs, he watches as the train begins to pull away. He calls out, to no one because no one can make him two minutes earlier to make the train. Even so he runs to the platform hoping that it’s all a trick and his train is still there waiting for him. 

But it’s not. Lucas feels hot tears begin to fall down his cheeks as it starts to set in that the train is gone. That Eliott, his Eliott, is gone with it. His breaths come rapidly and he has to fight back the sob that threatens to rip through his chest. He wipes at his cheeks with his sleeves but the tears don’t stop coming. He drags himself to a bench across from the platform and sits down heavily, putting his face in his hands.

And then: “Lucas?” A voice soft and gentle.

Lucas feels his breath stop and it takes him a second to look up, terrified that he’s hallucinating. But no, his beautiful angel stands in front of him, bag slung over one shoulder, eyes also puffy from crying.

“Eliott,” Lucas chokes out before he flings himself at him, wrapping his arms tightly around Eliott’s waist and burying his face in his neck while Eliott brings his arms around Lucas, cradling his head. They stand like that for a minute, just clutching at each other and reveling in the feeling of the other’s body next to theirs.

“I thought I’d missed you,” Lucas whispers into Eliott’s neck. “I thought I’d lost you.”

“You came,” Eliott breathes back. “You were going to get on that train for me.”

“Why aren’t you on the train?” Lucas asks, pulling away slightly from Eliott to be able to look at his face. Eliott brings his hands to Lucas’ face and gently strokes his cheeks.

“I couldn’t leave you behind,” Eliott says and he brings their lips together.

And it’s soft and achingly sweet and as Eliott kisses him, Lucas thinks he could get lost in this forever. Just him and Eliott, together, the world laid out in front of them.

There are things to figure out, of course, but for once Lucas doesn’t care. He doesn’t need his answers all up front so long as Eliott is there with him. Strong arms wrap around Lucas’ waist and for once, Lucas is able to stop thinking.

After what feels like forever, they finally pull back, Eliott pecking his lips once, twice, three more times for good measure and then they’re just looking at each other, matching smiles so wide Lucas can hardly see anything else. 

“So...” Lucas looks into Eliott’s eyes.

Eliott smiles. “So...”

“So,” Lucas says, playing with the zipper on Eliott’s jacket. “When’s the next train to Amsterdam?”

Eliott laughs and kisses him again. And again, and again, and again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: this is actually one of the first ideas I had for an elu fic back in june, so it's been a long time coming! hope you like it!!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [@lallemanting](https://lallemanting.tumblr.com/)
> 
> kudos and comments are always much appreciated!! <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip, a realization, and learning to trust something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never intended to revisit this fic, but then a lovely anon prompted me and it spun out of control. So here's part 2!
> 
> I wrote this in a few hours so please forgive any mistakes. I hope you enjoy!!
> 
> (Disclaimer: their itinerary makes no sense but I think it’s kind of clear why I mention most of the cities I do, so just bear with me. Let’s just go with Eliott just being really good at tracking skyscanner and leave it at that)

Lucas leans back against the rough material of the train seat and just looks. He allows himself that, as Eliott sleeps lightly next to him, because he hasn’t really before.

Every look has been plagued by fear, deep and unyielding, the kind that arrests your heart and makes each beat painful. The kind that was sent away, if only briefly, by a pair of stormy eyes and a sweet voice. _ Eliott_. 

It feels a bit like breaking out of the water after holding your breath for too long. Lungs burning, heart racing, a panic sitting there, beneath the skin, that fades as the air hits your face and the water drips away and there’s oxygen ready to gasped in, ready to fill your lungs again. 

It’s almost drowning, but being saved at the last second. It’s learning to breathe again. 

Eliott’s eyes are closed and his mouth is hanging open, just a little, as the sunlight fights its way past the built-in shades the people in the seats in front of them have pulled down. The light casts over him making lines on his t-shirt and his hair is messy, mussed from being pressed against the headrest of a train seat. But he’s beautiful all the same. 

He’s beautiful, really, in the kind of way that makes people look twice (Lucas certainly did). The kind of beauty that’s intimidating at first, that left Lucas reeling when he reached for him in that club, when he said he remembered _ Lucas _ of all people, just from a glance on the beach. 

But it was his smile, the disarming way he laughed, the light that seemed to shine even when in complete darkness that sent Lucas chasing after him. 

Eliott shifts in his sleep, his head falling onto Lucas’ shoulder and Lucas smiles, wide, as his heart hiccups in his chest. He turns his face to press a soft kiss to Eliott’s forehead and lets him sleep on.

Lucas’ phone buzzes a few times in his pocket and he pulls it out to see several texts in his group chat.

**Le gang**

**Yann** _   
_ _ hey lulu, you okay? haven’t heard from you in a few hours _ _   
_ _ assuming you found your man _ _   
_ _ or I was right about the serial killer thing _ _   
_ _ but just know if you don’t respond soon I’m going to have to __call the police   
__and tell them to start looking for a handsome __man named eliott _

_ why do you assume he’s handsome _

**Arthur** _   
_ _ He speaks! _

**Yann** _   
_ _ I have faith in your taste bro _ _   
_ _ so I assume that means you found him? _

_ I found him _

**Arthur** _   
_ _ And you’re with him now? _

_ on our way to amsterdam _

**Basile** _   
_ _ 👎👎👎 _

**Yann** _   
_ _ whoa bas _ _   
_ _ why are you thumbs-downing our boy? _

**Arthur** _   
_ _ more like 🥳🥂🍆💦❤️🌈 _

_ arthur wtf lol _

**Basile** _   
_ _ im not thumbs-downing our boy _ _   
_ _ i just still think it’s unfair that i was the one who  
_ _ was supposed to get with someone this trip _ _   
_ _ and lucas got someone instead _

_ sounds like jealousy to me _

**Yann** _   
_ _ Bas shut up _

**Arthur** _   
_ _ Yeah Bas shut up _ _   
_ _ Also Lucas do you really need me to spell out those emojis for you? _

_ no I got it lol _

**Yann** _   
_ _ point is we’re happy for you _ _   
_ _ even bas _

_ even bas? _

**Basile** _   
_ _ Fine yeah _ _   
_ _ even bas _ _   
_ _ 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈 _

**Arthur** _   
_ _ that’s the spirit _ _   
_ _ 🌈🌈🌈 _

**Yann** ** _  
_ ** _ 🌈🌈🌈 _

_ you guys are dumb _ _   
_ _ but thank you _ _   
_ _ really _

**Yann** _   
_ _ you don’t need to thank us lu _ _   
_ _ we love you _

**Arthur** _   
_ _ We do! _

**Basile** _   
_ _ we do _

**Yann** _   
now get back to your man _

_ love you guys too _ _   
_ _ ❤️ _

It’s after lunch now, and Lucas can feel his stomach protesting as the only thing he’s had to eat so far that day is a croissant Eliott had bought him at the train station while they waited for the next train. They’re headed to Amsterdam still, since Eliott’s got a friend, who he’d told Lucas was _ also _ apparently named Lucas, that’s letting them crash in his and his boyfriend’s apartment while they’re on their own trip to Spain. They’d transferred an hour or so ago from a smaller, suburban train to this larger one that will take them all the way to Amsterdam.

Lucas thinks they’re probably nearing Brussels, one of the major stops before Amsterdam, and he finds himself wondering if Eliott is the kind of person who wakes when moving vehicles come to stop, even if just for a moment. There’s so much still that Lucas has to learn about him. And yet, this right now, is the closest he’s ever felt to trust, to being his whole self. Lucas’ stomach growls again, but Eliott shifts once more, his head nestling even closer in the crook of Lucas’ neck, and Lucas knows he won’t be going anywhere until Eliott wakes.

It’s a few hours, and stops later (it turns out Eliott is very much _ not _ the person who wakes up every time the train reaches a new station), when they finally reach Amsterdam. It’s late afternoon, nearing evening, when they step out of the station and into the sun, and Lucas feels his lungs expand as he breathes, really breathes, in the new air. His chest feels light, still unaccustomed to not feeling as though he’s been dragging around a weight in the form of a secret. A lightness in freedom. 

He flinches slightly, as Eliott takes his hand, but it’s muscle memory, desire that’s been told for so long to quiet down and hide away that it feels uncomfortable at first to let it be seen. 

Eliott must notice because he asks him, quietly, “Is this okay?” waiting for Lucas’ nod to interlace their fingers.

But Lucas does nod, and he whispers _ yes, Eliott _ and his chest fills with something new, or maybe it’s just his heart expanding. He squeezes Eliott’s hand back.

They wander for a while, hand in hand, along the canals and to a fries shop Eliott’s friend had told him was the best in the city. So they get some, Eliott going overboard on the sauces, and eat them sitting next to the water, legs crossed and knees touching.

“Can I ask what changed?” Eliott asks him after wiping a bit of sauce off his cheek and kissing him so slow and deep that Lucas had almost dropped the fries he’d been holding.

“You mean why I decided to come?”

Eliott nods, biting into another fry.

Lucas pauses, turning his gaze out away from Eliott and across the water, watching as a boat passes them, the people inside shrieking with laughter. 

“There were two reasons,” he says softly, turning back to catch Eliott’s eye. “One, I was tired of being so scared. I didn’t want to have to live with fear and I guess I realized I didn’t have to.”

Eliott smiles, soft and kind. A look, Lucas is quickly realizing, that’s a natural one on his face.

“And the second reason?” Eliott asks.

Lucas grins and leans in, his lips so close to Eliott’s they’re almost brushing, the promise of his touch making Lucas’ head spin.

“You.”

Eliott kisses him.

They wander for a few more hours, grabbing dinner at a restaurant with cloth napkins where they'd actually sat down, ordered wine. It feels a little like something out of a movie, something Lucas had always wanted deep in his heart but never admitted to himself.

“Our first real date,” Eliott says when Lucas raises an eyebrow at the price. “I want to spoil you.”

Lucas rolls his eyes, but can’t hide the blush that coats his face. “You haven’t even asked me out!” he protests.

Eliott only looks at him at him.

“I did you one better,” Eliott says, reaching across the table and brushing his fingers across the back of Lucas’ hand.

“Oh, did you?”

Eliott nods. 

“I asked you to run away with me and you said yes.”

Lucas flushes, catching Eliott’s fingers in his hand and bringing his hand up to kiss the back of it gently. “I did,” he whispers back. There’s really nothing else to say.

They spend longer than they should at the restaurant, even splitting a dessert – a gooey chocolate lava cake that has Lucas nearly melting into the floor and Eliott, after swiping the bill out from under Lucas’ hand, tells him they should make their way to his friend’s apartment.

It’s set back a bit in the city, down a side row behind some shops. The evening is settling into night, the last dregs of summer sunlight disappearing as the sun fully melts beyond the horizon, but the world is buzzing still, the night fresh and young and full of hope.

Eliott punches in a code at the door on the street and leads Lucas up a narrow set of stairs to the fourth floor. The hallway is dark and damp smelling, the stairs an old, twisted set of terrors, meaning that Lucas is breathing heavy by the time they reach the top. 

Eliott finds the key tucked between a piece of loose molding and a flap of peeling wallpaper just where Eliott’s friend said it would be and puts it in the lock, the key twisting almost deafeningly, and the door swinging open.

The apartment is a studio, a kitchenette just to the left of the door and two large windows facing out onto the street, a small table and chairs placed between them. A mattress is pressed up against the wall across from the door on the floor and a small couch and tv are just to the right of the entrance. In the back corner Lucas sees a door which he can only assume leads to the bathroom. It’s dark, the light from outside nearly gone, and Eliott flicks the switch next to the door, bathing the room in a harsh yellow light from a single bulb placed in the middle of the ceiling.

“God, I hate overhead lighting,” Eliott says, moving to throw down his backpack and switch on the lamps next to the couch and the bed before returning to the door and switching the bulb back off. “There, that’s better.”

Lucas smiles, dropping his own bag into one of the seats at the table and turning to look out the window at the people walking through the city below them, each of them living lives so separate from their own.

“I’m just gonna, uh, use the bathroom,” Lucas hears from behind him and then the sound of a door clicking shut as Eliott goes in.

Lucas sighs and leans his forehead against the cool glass, but something picks at his brain that won’t let him relax. Not yet.

He fishes out his phone from his pocket and types out a message, one he’s typed out time and time again but hasn’t sent yet. But now, he feels like he can.

**Maman**

_ I wanted to let you know that I won’t be coming home for a few weeks.  
I _ _ ’ve decided to extend my trip. I met someone who I like very much and I want to be able to spend more time with them.   
With him. He’s a boy Maman.  
His name is Eliott and I think you’d like him very much.  
I’m sorry if this disappoints you. I love you and I’ll try to call you tomorrow. X _

He hits send before he can think about it too much and puts his phone down on the table, plugging it in. There’s other things he wants to focus on tonight.

Across the room, Eliott emerges from the bathroom, looking at Lucas leaning against the table and smiling sweetly, his hands digging into his pockets, his shoulders hunching in what Lucas is learning is a nervous gesture. 

Nervous. Around _ him _ of all people. Lucas will never get used to it.

“So what do you want to do tonight?” Eliott asks him, pulling his phone out of his pocket and swiping it open. “My friend recommended a few bars we could check out or I think there’s this one we passed on our way here…”

Lucas pushes himself off the table and walks across the room towards Eliott stopping just in front of him, close enough to reach out and touch.

“Or,” Lucas says, taking the phone out of Eliott’s hand and tossing it onto the couch, “we could stay in.”

Lucas reaches out and grabs the hem of Eliott’s shirt loosely, his fingertips brushing the skin at Eliott’s waist. Eliott inhales sharply and stumbles back, cursing as his hip makes contact with the couch.

“Yeah, god, okay, we can definitely stay in,” he says.

He reaches out to grasp Lucas’ face, his touch light against his cheekbones and Lucas leans into it, closing his eyes as Eliott closes the distance, their lips brushing together for the hundredth time that week, but something feeling new all the same.

It’s overwhelming in the best way, the feeling of Eliott so close, the way he’s holding onto Lucas like he’s a precious thing, not fragile but important. Something to be handled with care not out of fear of breaking, but affection. 

Lucas leans into him and grasps onto Eliott’s hips, pulling him closer to press them together, Eliott angling his head to kiss him deeper, his tongue swiping at the seam of Lucas’ lips, turning the kiss hot and messy.

Lucas gasps, Eliott taking advantage of it to walk him backwards towards the mattress. Lucas’ hands run along the skin of Eliott’s stomach and around towards his back, pulling at his shirt as they move.

“Off,” Lucas whispers against Eliott’s mouth and Eliott is quick to comply, pulling the shirt up and over his head, giving Lucas only a second to take him in with new messier hair before he’s on him again.

“Your turn,” Eliott says, pulling back to kiss Lucas’ jaw, behind his ear and down his neck as Lucas shivers, tugging on his shirt. Lucas quickly pulls it over his head.

And really, Lucas thinks, it shouldn’t be this good, it’s not supposed to be this good, with someone he only met a short time ago. Lucas has never imagined it could feel like this, especially not so soon.

There was a nervousness, a hesitation in name only, when they gotten together the first time, only because Lucas was new at it, still _ is _ new at it. But Eliott had smoothed it away with an understanding smile and a readiness to only go as far as Lucas was willing, as far as Lucas would take him.

But somehow, Eliott’s never really felt like a stranger, and his body has never really felt completely new. Lucas knows they’ve only just met but there’s always seemed to be this place they existed together, from the moment they locked eyes across the beach, that only they could get to. A frequency only they can tune into, hidden away from everything else that beckons Lucas to break the so-called rules he didn’t even realize he’d been imposing on himself. 

With Eliott, it’s just easy. And the parts that aren’t so easy Eliott is so calm and kind and understanding that it makes it easier to work through, to discuss and then deliver. It’s the kind of respect and desire, the kind of want with a preference that makes it clear Eliott, somehow, miraculously, feels just as lucky as Lucas that they found each other. A feeling that translates into comfort and vulnerability.

(And maybe, Lucas thinks as he recalls his words to the boys when he told them, it feels just a little bit like _ love_. But it can’t be. 

_ Can love happen so fast? _)

They collapse on the mattress and fumble at the buttons on their pants, Eliott straddling Lucas to pull them off with his boxers as Lucas lies among the pillows.

“Shit,” Eliott inhales, his eyes roaming Lucas’ body, “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Lucas can feel himself blush, still not used to the kind of compliments Eliott doles out so freely. He’s not used to _ beautiful _ either, something he’d never thought of himself as, something he’d never thought someone would think of him. And yet here, hovering over him is the most beautiful man Lucas has ever seen and he’s looking at Lucas with the kind of fierce adoration that makes Lucas forget everything else and Lucas finds he believes him. Somehow, Eliott’s words cut through the rest.

Eliott makes Lucas okay with being brave is the thing. It’s not that Lucas wasn’t capable of it before, or that he’s doing everything now _ for _ Eliott, it’s that suddenly, somehow, Lucas can finally see himself making brave choices, trying new things, trusting _ himself _ to know what he wants. It’s that seeing the way Eliott has trusted himself and in his feelings has made it easier for Lucas to accept his own. Take on new challenges because he wants to, leave the fear behind.

Life, for Lucas, has been full of new experiences lately.

Eliott leans down to kiss him again, deep and encompassing, pressing Lucas into the mattress with the kind of fervor that leaves Lucas shaking.

“Wait,” Lucas gasps, grabbing Eliott’s hips as Eliott freezes and pulls back. “No, don’t stop I just…” Lucas presses back against him and flips them, coming to straddle Eliott’s waist. “I want to try something.”

Eliott blinks, once, twice, his eyes dark as his gaze roams Lucas’ face. “Yeah, okay,” he whispers, his voice hoarse.

Lucas kisses him, Eliott’s mouth soft and wet against him. Then he moves his way down Eliott’s neck, his chest, his stomach pressing searing kisses to the skin as Eliott pants beneath him. When he reaches the waistband of Eliott’s boxers he looks up and finds Eliott looking back at him with something akin to awe on his face.

“Okay?” he asks, his mouth pressing the question into Eliott’s waistline. 

“God. Yes. _ Please_,” Eliott pants out and Lucas can’t help but grin that he’s reduced eloquent romantic Eliott to single syllables.

“Okay,” Lucas replies, hooking his fingers in Eliott’s boxers and pulling them down, Eliott breathing out a punched out moan as Lucas returns and presses a kiss to his inner thigh.

Later, as Lucas lies in bed, a sheet pulled up around his hips, Eliott produces a joint from his bag and waves it excitedly at him as Lucas rolls his eyes.

“What? It’s Amsterdam!” Eliott says as he lights it, throwing open the window so the sounds from the street below float into the room.

“You’re so stupid,” Lucas says, but he can’t conceal his laughter, the way his happiness bubbles up, uncontained. 

“So, you don’t want any?” Eliott asks, lifting an eyebrow as he takes a drag.

“I never said that,” Lucas says quickly and opens his arms beckoning Eliott to him.

Eliott returns to him quickly and they lay there, passing the joint between them, wrapped up in each other, Eliott’s fingers tracing patterns on Lucas’ arms. It’s quiet and peaceful and Lucas can’t help but lean into the soft comfort of Eliott’s embrace, so relaxed and at ease it’s like he’s had it forever.

_ Is that what it is? _

They wake late the next day, Lucas wrapped in the warm circle of Eliott’s arms, a brief spike of panic coursing through him until he remembers he has nowhere to be, nothing to hide from. He can just be.

He relaxes even more when he finally convinces himself to check his phone while Eliott’s in the shower and finds a text from his mother that takes away the last of the burden.

**Maman**

_ You could never disappoint me my darling son. _ _   
_ _ I love you. Call me when you can. _

If his happiness is evident on his face, it’s only reflected in Eliott’s as he laughs when Lucas grabs him the minute he steps out of the bathroom, hugging him close and pressing his face into his neck.

“I’m so happy you found me,” Lucas whispers. 

Eliott pulls back and pecks him gently, once, twice, three times. 

“I think you’re the one who found me.”

They can agree to disagree.

Eliott drags him to a bakery his friend recommended and then across the city to the Van Gogh museum, telling Lucas it’s something they simply _ have _ to see. Lucas takes a brief stop to call his mother, who answers with her voice soft and warm, assuring Lucas she loves him and asking him to pass the phone to _ this Eliott boy_. 

Lucas tries to protest but Eliott hears from where he’s sitting and grabs the phone from Lucas’ hand, talking and laughing with Lucas’ mother on the other end. Lucas gapes at him when he hands the phone back and Eliott just shrugs, telling him, _ she just made me promise to take care of you. I told her not to worry_.

Lucas can only shake his head as he brings the phone back up to his ear, just to have her tell him that Eliott sounds like a wonderful boy and again that she loves him. And Lucas really doesn’t blame Eliott when he looks a little smug after that.

Once they get inside the museum, Eliott spends the whole time raving about color and brushstrokes and genius and Lucas understands almost none of it, but he doesn’t care, as long as it makes Eliott happy. Eliott gets a little quieter, for a moment, when he talks about Van Gogh’s personal struggles, the way pain had come and never quite left, so Lucas reaches out and takes Eliott’s hand, squeezing it, and leans over to lightly kiss Eliott’s shoulder.

He doesn’t say anything but he knows Eliott understands from the way he looks back and smiles. It’s a smile like that, private and reserved just for Lucas, that makes the feeling in his chest expand just a little.

_ Can it be named yet? _

And just like that, their days in Amsterdam fall away. Lucas loses count at some point, how long they’ve been there, their time so full of Eliott’s laughter and Lucas’ heart beating and kissing, that they start to blend together. 

_ Kissing._

Lucas knows he’d never really been kissed before Eliott and certainly not like this. Lucas learns quickly that there are many different kinds, many more than he’d ever imagined and it seems like Eliott is on a mission to try out them all.

There’s kisses on his mouth and his cheeks and his jaw and his neck and searing ones that leave marks all over his body. There’s kisses in the street and in parks and on benches and pressed up against walls. At some point Lucas wonders if he should be getting used to these kisses, the way Eliott’s mouth feels against him, but then Eliott kisses him again and everything else is gone from Lucas’ mind and all he can remember is _ Eliott_.

And even when they leave Amsterdam behind, Eliott seems to want to try everything all over again in each new place as if somehow the feeling of Lucas’ lips would have changed depending on the coordinates. Lucas wants to make fun of him, he really does, but then Eliott kisses him and it turns out he’s right. They’re all different. Every single one.

From Amsterdam they head to Belgium, stopping in Antwerp for a few days before making their way down to Brussels. Eliott takes a video of Lucas spinning around in the city center and when Lucas watches the video back he can hardly recognize the boy in it, his face full of the kind of joy Lucas didn’t think himself capable of. 

He sends the video to the boys only to have them all tease him about Eliott being the perfect instagram boyfriend. But later, Yann texts him separately and tells him it’s good to see him so happy, and Lucas can’t help but hold Eliott a little tighter that night.

From Brussels, they make their way up to Oslo and then back down to Germany where they make stops in Hamburg, Berlin and a few other small cities that Lucas can hardly remember the name of, culminating in a brief stint in an off-season ski lodge in the Alps because Eliott found a number and a discount online.

It’s seeing Eliott standing in the midst of a vast sea of green, swearing at the miles still left to climb that makes the thing in Lucas’ chest finally take root and sprout vines that weave around his heart, turning the feeling into something unescapable, something that’s been nurtured enough to grow. 

But there’s no fear as the vines begin to flower. Instead, it’s mostly wonder. And– 

Lucas can’t think about that yet.

From there, there’s a quick flyover to Madrid, since Eliott had promised himself he’d get back to Spain and found cheap last minute flights. It’s become common along the way for Eliott to come to Lucas wide-eyed and excited, full of ideas and plans, and for Lucas to just say yes. He trusts Eliott, he does, and finds he really doesn’t care where he goes as long as he’s with Eliott.

Then they head back to Italy, starting in Venice, where Eliott insists they have to take a gondola ride _ because it’s romantic_. Lucas balks a bit at the price but sees the way Eliott’s eyes shine with the thought, so he figures out a solution. In the end, they share a gondola with a pair of American students and an older British couple that had been standing near one of the pickup points so they can all split the cost. Lucas worries it’s not close enough to what Eliott had in mind. But as they sit there, fingers intertwined on Lucas’ lap, Eliott whispers, _ it’s perfect_, in Lucas’ ear, and he can’t help the way his heart races. 

(It doesn’t hurt that the older woman tells them they’re a beautiful couple as they go to leave the boat. Eliott thanks her, but Lucas only manages a deep blush.)

And that feeling in Lucas’ chest grows with every touch, with every kiss, with every new place Eliott takes him. It’s a feeling that’s a bit like luck, and a bit like awe, and a bit like adoration and longing and desire and choice all wrapped up into one. And Lucas thinks he knows, but he hasn’t dared to say it.

_ This has to be love. _

But it’s Rome, finally, that’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

It’s the final stop on their nearly 6-week trip, culminating in a flight back to Paris the next Sunday morning – only three days away.

They’d splurged, just a bit, on a 3-star hotel because Eliott, after staying in their fair share of cramped hostels, had begged Lucas for a queen bed just so he could hold him, away from anyone else. And Lucas had been hard pressed to turn him down.

They’re in the middle of the Roman Forum when it hits him, a new kind of panic. Somehow, being surrounded by things so ancient and grand makes Lucas think of the things he’d been holding back on. The stories around him stitched together mostly in memory, and Lucas finds himself wondering if that’s what this will be too, a memory bolstered only by ticket stubs and material remnants rather than the person he lived it with.

It’s the word that’s been crawling out of his chest, trying to force its way out of his mouth every time he looks at Eliott. The feeling that had been demanding a name, the thing that Lucas isn’t quite sure Eliott reciprocates. _ Love_. 

When they leave on Sunday will things change? Will Eliott want this, want him when grand spontaneous adventures are no longer a part of their daily life?

Lucas is aware, in a way, that none of this is normal. He knows he and Eliott have moved fast. Faster than he’d ever thought himself capable. One minute scared and alone by his own self imposition and the next alive and wanting under Eliott’s gentle honesty and daring gaze.

But Eliott had never signed up for this, for anything longer than these six or seven weeks. He’d called that first dinner in Amsterdam a date, yes, but there’s been no labeling beyond that. When they land in Paris will Eliott expect them to go back to being strangers? 

He holds the panic in, putting on a brave face for the rest of the day as Eliott continues to drag him around to all must-see spots on his list. He manages for most of it but then something must slip, as it’s wont to do, and without meaning for it, Eliott notices.

They’re walking down the street, on their way back to their hotel after dinner, when Eliott grabs his arm softly to stop him, and twists around so they’re facing each other on the sidewalk.

“Are you okay?” he asks, his voice gentle as he holds Lucas’ hands. 

Lucas shakes him off but keeps his eyes on the ground, something stopping him from looking at Eliott. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Eliott presses, making an aborted attempt to reach out to Lucas again only to catch himself. “Because if I did something to make you upset…”

“It’s nothing you _ did_. And I’m not upset.”

It’s unfair to put this on Eliott, to expect him to take on Lucas’ fear again, to take on Lucas at all. He wishes that he could forget, even just for a day or two, that there’s an hourglass suspended above their heads, counting down the hours they have left. But he can’t.

“Okay,” Eliott says slowly, “but if something’s wrong, I’d want you to tell me…”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Lucas says, but his voice cracks as he feels the familiar tightness at the back of his throat, the shaking start in his hands.

“Baby,” Eliott says as he steps closer, cradling Lucas’ face in his hands and tilting his head up, “why are you crying?”

And that feeling in his chest starts at Eliott’s words, at the way he’s holding him, at the way he called him _ baby_. Lucas can’t hold it in any longer.

“What happens when we get back to Paris?” he whispers.

Eliott stills. “What do you mean? You’re going to start uni and I’m going to get a job and we’ll figure it out from there, right?”

“But what about with us?”

“I mean, sure, I’ll have to take the bus to come and see you but it’s really not that far and you could always stay at my apartment if you needed on days you stay over late or…” Eliott looks at him, confused, and Lucas can’t speak, needs a minute to process what Eliott’s saying. “Is that not what you want?”

“No, I just,” he pauses, breaths. “So you’d still want to be with me once we’re back home?”

“Yes, of course,” Eliott says quickly. “Why would you think anything else?”

“You just never said,” Lucas replies, his hands coming up to rest over Eliott’s on his cheeks as he presses their foreheads together. “I don’t know, I thought that maybe it was just a summer fling or something for you.”

“It’s not. Is it to you?”

“No, never.”

Eliott smiles and then kisses him, so fully, so completely that Lucas sways where he stands, feels it all the way down to his toes.

“Would you like to put a label on it?” Eliott asks as he pulls away.

“Maybe,” Lucas says, grinning.

“How does boyfriend sound?”

“Perfect.”

And then they’re kissing again. Here, in the street, another new kiss for Lucas to check off their list.

They break away for a moment and as if Eliott can hear his thoughts, as though Eliott knows him better than he realized, he asks him, “Is that all?”

Lucas pauses, knows that he could say no, move on and hide away the feeling that’s been battling its way to the surface for weeks. Or he could let go, give himself over to it, say fuck fear, and say it, to hell with the consequences.

But this time the fear doesn’t feel like drowning, it feels a little more like skydiving. The kind that comes when you’re waiting to jump, when all you have left to do is leap.

“There might be something else.”

“Okay.” Eliott looks concerned, but runs a thumb across Lucas’ cheekbone.

And this is it – the moment of falling and hoping the parachute carries you down.

“I love you,” Lucas says, his voice surprisingly strong for the way his hands shake.

Eliott looks at him for a moment, eyes big, before a small smile starts to spread over his face, lighting up his features as he stands there. And then– 

“I love you too.”

The parachute opens behind him and Lucas lands safely on the ground.

They somehow make it back to their hotel, their time nearly doubled as Eliott takes advantage of every opportunity to press Lucas against a wall and kiss him, the kind that sends sparks down Lucas’ spine and makes him never want to let Eliott go.

They barely make it inside their room before Lucas is on him, pulling Eliott close and reaching to rid him of his shirt, desperate to feel his skin against him.

“Whoa, slow down,” Eliott says, laughing as Lucas tries to kiss him again.

“No,” Lucas mumbles from where he’s kissing Eliott’s neck. “I want you now.”

He hears Eliott groan and then he pulls Lucas’ mouth back to his own so he can kiss him again. His kisses are sweet and open-mouthed and remind Lucas that Eliott runs warm in all the best ways, his touch like fire on him.

“Okay,” Eliott says finally, as he pulls back panting. “Okay, you’re going to have to stop kissing me if you want me to ever take my clothes off.”

Lucas giggles, but backs off, hands raised, as he makes his way over to their bed, stopping to dig something out of his bag.

“Okay,” Eliott says again as he walks over to Lucas, now only wearing his boxers, “you need to catch up.”

“So help me,” Lucas whispers, reaching up to pull Eliott to him, and kisses him again.

They sway on the spot, Eliott’s hands running all over Lucas as he holds him, tilting his head to kiss him deeper, biting gently at Lucas’ bottom lip and taking advantage of his gasp to lick into his mouth.

It’s somehow gentle and intense all at once, the kind of toe-curling eagerness that sends Lucas’ head spinning. They break apart only for Eliott to pull Lucas’ shirt over his head and for Lucas to step out of his pants before they fall on the bed together, legs intertwined.

Lucas can’t think of anything but Eliott’s touch and his mind only knows one word – _ Eliott, Eliott, Eliott_. Eliott surrounds him so completely that Lucas finds himself wondering how Eliott is managing to touch him, to hold him like that only to lose his thought when Eliott trails a hand down his back and pulls his hips closer.

Lucas moans at the contact and Eliott pulls away to bite a mark into his neck, Lucas writhing at the sting and the soothing swipe of Eliott’s tongue. Lucas runs his nails lightly down Eliott’s back and presses his fingers under the waistband of Eliott’s boxers and knows, as Eliott pants on top of him, that he’s going to ask. Lucas is ready.

“What do you want to do?” Eliott asks, his voice deep, his eyes dark. 

Lucas wordlessly reaches down next to the bed and produces a condom and lube from where he’d thrown them earlier. Eliott’s breath catches.

“Are you sure?” Eliott asks him.

“Completely sure,” Lucas replies.

And then Eliott is on him again, ridding them both of their boxers and moving back to lean over where Lucas is spread out on the mattress. His touch is gentle, his kisses deep as they move together, their skin burning in all the places they’re pressed together. 

_ Lucas, _Eliott pants out as Lucas runs his hand down Eliott’s body, as he bites at the skin just below Eliott’s ear. _ Eliott_, Lucas whispers back as Eliott touches him and takes him apart, bit by bit. Lucas has never known something like this – the overwhelming way everything becomes _ Eliott_.

They come together finally, Eliott moving slowly as Lucas adjusts, his moans sprinkled with _ okay? _ and _ does that feel good? _ as Lucas moves below him. Lucas nods and whispers back a choked out _ yes, _ as the feeling overwhelms him and the heat spreads fast and low in his stomach. Eliott’s all over him, his hands everywhere, Lucas just trying to hold on as their rhythm builds and starts to get sloppy, as they pull each other closer. And that’s enough, as Lucas’ back arches off the mattress and Eliott follows close behind, clutching Lucas to him as the waves ride through them.

They lay, after, clutching each other as their breathing settles. Eliott only leaving the bed to grab a cloth to wipe Lucas off and then lifting the covers to settle them under the blankets, pulling Lucas onto his chest.

It’s only after Eliott presses a kiss to his temple, whispers _ you’re beautiful _ into his hair and lies back on the pillows, his breath evening out as sleep takes over that Lucas allows himself to think it, really believe it, for the first time. Because, in the end, they’re the only ones who get to decide.

_ It is love. _

Sunday comes just as Lucas knew it would. There’s packing and checking out of the hotel and a frantic run to the airport shuttle to make their flight in time. 

When they get to the airport, they get through security, buy a snack and go wait at their gate just like anyone else. Only Eliott refuses to let go of Lucas’ hand unless he absolutely has to. Lucas can’t help but smile every time he finds Eliott reaching for him.

It’s easy somehow, even though Lucas will miss the spontaneity of their lives during this trip, to be excited for what’s to come. For a life where they’ll be together, not just in front of each other, but surrounded by the people they already know. 

There’s grounding there somehow, a firmer foundation that will make Eliott feel less like a dream and more like reality. At first, it scared Lucas to think about them without the rosy glow of this fantasy thing. But the more he thinks about it, the more he knows it will be a relief to no longer have to pinch himself and expect that it’ll wake him up. 

Because Eliott isn’t a dream. He doesn’t just exist in this vacuum of worlds they’d explored together. But neither does Lucas. And somehow, it’s even more exciting to imagine what they’ll be when life picks them up again and takes them along for the routine of the everyday. Vibrant, but in other ways. In the variety of them.

Eliott takes his hand again as they board the plane and Lucas lets him lead them to their seats. Eliott’s out, almost as soon as the plane takes off, and Lucas finds himself shifting so that Eliott’s head falls to rest on his shoulder as he sleeps on, the weight sending a smile to Lucas’ face.

The thing in his chest shifts as the plane flies through the air, flowering now with something new, born of love and desire and longing. It replaces any fear left behind, chases it away to dark shadows and keeps it at bay for now, as Eliott shuffles closer to Lucas in his sleep.

So when the pilot comes on and announces their descent into Paris, Lucas finds nothing waiting there for him in his heart but love–

–and _ hope_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! kudos and comments are always much appreciated, or if you'd rather find me on tumblr I'm [@lallemanting](https://lallemanting.tumblr.com/)
> 
> tumblr post for this is [here!](https://lallemanting.tumblr.com/post/614225878627532800/i-was-just-rereading-whatever-makes-you-feel-the)


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